Interviu cu „doamna Veronica”, mamă a unei persoane consumatoare de droguri .
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*English translation:
We are talking to the mother of person who uses drugs… and we are going to ask her to tell us first… to present the current situation.
What has happened to her recently and how it’s got to this.
Hello! We have been dealing with this problem for approximately twenty years. Meanwhile, we have been through many, many situations and all of them painful.
In the beginning, I denied that this problem existed.
I think all the parents go through this.
Then, we try to find solutions which, you see, even now, after twenty years are not to be found.
You are still looking for them and hoping, even though, you look at the sky because you have some hopes and you’re still believing that everything will be OK and then everything starts falling apart, maybe even after half an hour or an hour or two.
This is our situation, basically.
When did you realise your daughter was using drugs?
Her dad was ill, he actually died that year, at the age of 36…
I was told by a schoolmate, a family friend that she was using drugs and I said “That’s not true, it cannot be.”
How old was she?
Sixteen. I had no information whatsoever about drugs.
What did you think about back then?
When you found out about this thing.
It’s just high school kids acting out and, anyway, everyone is trying to stand out.
But, under no circumstances, did I believe she was using drugs.
Did you try to help her? Then and there or later on?
Back then I didn’t worry too much… now that I look back, I thought there were solution to it, I thought there was some treatment.
All our family tried to help her, by family I mean myself, my brother, my nephew, my sister-in-law, my mother, my father… everyone tried to help her.
We did that in different ways, we would take her to school, then back home, we would go to different institutions, ask for help there, and, despite telling your story and bringing shame to your family, we didn’t get any solutions. Maybe they weren’t ready for it twenty years ago,
Only extreme solutions, tied up in the house, fearing someone would find out and say “For God’s sake! Are you sequestrating the child?”
We would follow her twenty-four hours out of seven, we would take turns in watching her, because if she took certain substances, she wouldn’t sleep a wink
Or she had periods, once, at my brother’s she just stood still for four hours and the entire family watched her.
But this had no effect whatsoever.
In which way is a drug user’s family affected?
Your life is turned upside down. Everything is now about that person.
Starting with the fear of not receiving that phone call. By that phone call I mean when someone calls you and tells you they are dead.
That is a fear that any drug user’s parent lives with from the moments they become aware of what the drug use really means.
Apart from this, you cannot leave them alone in the house.
You cannot go out leaving your window slightly open because they might break in and steal something or just take shelter and leave a cigarette burning on the couch and set the house on fire, to forget a pot heating on the stove which eventually burns to a crisp there.
You normally watch a six-year old not to hurt themselves, but you watch a drug addict tenfold, not to heart themselves or the family.
Speaking of which, how do your friends see you? Or the neighbors? What do they think of you or… like you’ve said, when you go to an institution trying to solve this and they’re meant to help you…
I can only talk about what I’ve lived myself. These institutions, in my opinion, are not prepared. Perhaps, the people working there are generally nice people but they’re completely over their heads. That about all I can say about the institutions.
When it comes to friends, I consider myself a lucky person, I’ve had old friends that are familiar with my situation and they support me in any way they can, that understand and accept me, most importantly.
However, when we pay someone a visit, together, the ladies’ purses tend to disappear, bedroom doors tend to get locked, where, probably, my friends keep their valuables, if you know what I mean. For fear she might steal something. Because a drug addict is some sort of a pariah that you have to stay away from and… even I believe that because they do steal stuff or do things which are not OK.
And, about our neighbors… since I’ve recently moved here, most of them don’t know about this and I don’t want them to know, not because, I don’t know, it would make me look bad, for me this doesn’t even matter anymore,
But my former neighbors, where I used to live, would stop me on the stairs and ask me “How can you accept something like this?” “How can you not help your child?” “What sort of a mother are you?” and all sorts of stuff.
In time you manage to cope with it, it doesn’t even matter. What would matter to me would be finding a solution not to sit around wasting my energy with what my neighbours might think of me. At least, I have the strength to tell them I wish you never have to understand these things, because you will only understand when they happen to you. Just let me be and keep your opinions to yourself.
Could you, please, tell us about some of the worst or maybe the most painful episodes… the most difficult ones that you had to go through with your daughter?
So, when she was using legal highs, there used to be this corner shop which had been turned into a non-stop, that sold what they called flower fertilizers. It’s still unclear to me how the state accepted something like this, when, in case a geranium is withering away, you don’t need to go and buy some fertilizer in the middle of the night.
The legal highs would give her some hallucinations in which she would have some very violent episodes, for example, that the family were shooting at her, that someone was chopping off her head with an axe, or that a family member, that was dear to her, was going through all this and she wanted to protect them. Once she went in the elevator and she screamed in there until all the neighborhood and the police came and tried to get her out of there. There police officers couldn’t immobilize her. This one time, when she was living in another state, with a one-year old child, she would lock herself in the bathroom and take her dose, while the kid would cry for hours in front of the door.
There are many similar episodes, I don’t know what to say… . When you come home and notice your grandson’s play station is gone because she’s pawned it, when you start looking for your valuables, not too expensive things, such as a 50 euro worth golden ring is gone and you cannot wear it anymore, or when you get home, start looking for something that you cannot find, you immediately think that she took that one too. Maybe she didn’t, but that’s how you think that instant, even if, perhaps, you didn’t search for it well enough.
Has she ever wanted to quit using drugs? Has she ever tried to do so? Has she had periods in which she stopped using?
Yes, certainly, I believe she wants to … I cannot understand what goes on in her mind… probably what she feels is so good that she can’t just quit. When she wants to quit using drugs, she gets tired of trying to get funds. It’s like you wake up in the morning, feeling sick and you need to get some money to get your fix… . Normally, people work for a month and get paid a certain sum that’s supposed to cover all the living expenses, but when you’re using, that money isn’t enough. And then, you need to do all sorts of things, to steal, to prostitute yourself, to cheat people, anything that will get you the money. And that’s something you need to do on a daily basis.
And when she did try to quit, could you, please, tell us how long stayed clean?
She only had very short periods in which she stayed clean. She once tried a methadone substitute for about ten days and then she started using both the methadone substitute and the drugs. There was this time when she was forced to quit drugs because she had been arrested here, in Romania, but I’m not sure she didn’t have access to drugs in prison. Actually, if I am to speak my mind, I am certain they had access to drugs in prison. Another convict gives you some and you start doing favours for them because you don’t have the money to pay them. You wash their clothes, I don’t know, you do things for them. Then she had approximately three years when she was arrested in another state where I’m sure she didn’t have access to any drugs, but after she was set free, she only had a maximum one-month break from using. Then she would always be back on drugs again.
Drug users look for each other, they find each other, they recognize each other from the slang, the look on their faces, the way they act… She had lost contact with her former drug user entourage but it was very easy for her to get back in touch with them.
Could you compare the periods in which she was using heroin and those when she was on legal highs?
It was a total catastrophe. When she was on heroin, she would just vegetate, doze off in her bedroom without being fractious or violent, the only problem being the next-day dose. But, when she used legal highs, it was complete chaos, a catastrophe, I cannot find the words for it. Legal highs completely change a user… hallucinations, that look on their face, their entire physiognomy changes, shivers, how can I put it? A completely different person! A different person that you simply cannot reach an agreement with.
Do you know if, recently, she’s been using only heroin or if she’s been using a mix of heroin and legal highs?
Because of this fact, that I’m a drug user’s mother, I know a lot about drugs and I doubt I’m the only one that knows this. I wonder why the police doesn’t know, at least, as much as I do…
I can take you to places where drugs are sold, like parsley is sold at the grocer’s. Legal highs are mixed and they sell in bulk, in small amounts, bigger amounts… and God only knows what’s in them! And it goes the same for heroin! I know places, I can take you to these places for you to buy whatever.
When she did try to quit, did she get any kind of help?
No, she didn’t. The help coming from the state is superficial, it’s some kind of… I wouldn’t want to be just saying or be using big words, but it seems to me it’s just money laundry. It’s not meant to reach a target … it’s only because it needs to be done, I guess it’s a requirement, we need to have a program like this. But even if we have it, it isn’t done properly.
Ok, so it’s more on paper.
On paper, that’s right!
Since you’ve mentioned the state, how do you think the state sees these people and how does it help them? Does it support them in any way?
No, it doesn’t. The state doesn’t support them in anyway whatsoever, since it doesn’t support those suffering from cancer or other diseases that you didn’t bring upon yourself… how would they support a drug user? They only put a label on you: ”Junkie” and that’s it! Just a junkie that you actually have expectations from. For example, in order to join a substitute, let’s say a methadone substitute program, you need a health card or health insurance… How can you have a health insurance since you’re incapable of keeping a job?! It’s impossible! Or, when you go to hospital, you need… we went to one of the hospitals that deal with these cases and again, they asked for papers… they don’t have any papers because they destroy them. When they’re using legal highs, they tear up their papers, bags, jackets, shoes, furniture… they tear everything into shreds, one centimetre shreds, and there’s nothing you can do because they cannot identify you, you basically don’t exist.
What do you think people should know about drug users? What would you say to them? How do you think they see them?
Are you talking about those who have no connection to drug users?
Yes. Because these people are to be found in institutions, some of them are neighbors…
It’s really complicated. There’s nothing to be said. Should you ask them to understand you? How could they?! A drug user does a lot of harm, they even harm their family, they harm their neighbors… How could I possibly ask my neighbor to understand… If my daughter breaks into your house and steals something, please don’t take it personally and understand she’s a drug user?! What could I say to them? If she offends someone, that’s never happened, actually, can you really ask someone to understand? If we cannot come up with a solutions, and we’ve been directly involved in this, how could we possible expect anything for other people. I just don’t know. If a person is on drugs, I would advise people not to provoke them and keep their distance. Because a person that’s on drugs isn’t capable of… how should I put it?… they don’t intend to harm you, it’s out of their control, but they will harm you, nonetheless. They will do harm all around them.
What advice could you give a drug addict’s family, let’s say?
Patience and tobacco, I’m at a loss for words here.
If the family has sufficient funds for a long term so they can afford some psychological treatment, that might work, not to give up the fight when they lose a battle, since it’s not like losing the war, just one battle here and there, that happens quite often, everything goes well and then everything falls apart and you have to start from scratch. To have the patience and the perseverance and to get used to the idea that it’s your cross to bear…
What would you recommend the young people that experience with different substances?
Never! Never, not even out of curiosity, not even to show off… they should see drugs as a really strong poison, lethal, in fact. The only difference is that it doesn’t kill you on the spot, one hour later, but, over the years, using drugs, in my opinion, opens only two doors: you either end up in prison or in the ground. There is no middle way, no in-between.
What exactly do you know about drugs, addiction? What has all of this taught you? What do you think of this entire situation?
From my daughter’s experience as a user, it usually starts with, that’s how she started anyway, the heroin which you smoke, initially, then you sniff it and, later on, you inject it. You need more and more… as I’ve said before, back then legal highs appeared on the market and they fried their brains. I believe that what happened to my daughter wasn’t that she stopped evolving intellectually, but something got fried in there. She is not an idiot, I mean she speaks five foreign languages, she is not retarded in any way, but she failed to mature, after having used legal highs, she reached the level of an infantile adult and that was it. And then, if there’s money, there’s heroin, there’s ecstasy pills, there’s mushrooms to much that give us hallucinations, there’s a lot of stuff.
And what about addiction? When you end up there?…
You shouldn’t give it a try. All I can say about addiction is that, everything I’ve said so far is just my personal opinion, they’re not theories, I’m not in the position to draw any conclusions, to say that’s the way things are. There aren’t any solutions to this problem…
At least, not here, in our country…
Yes, we don’t have any solutions, in twenty years’ time we haven’t come up with any solutions.
And in these twenty years, can you give us some examples of resources, needs or problems there are? What kind of pressure the family has to deal with?
I’ve already told you, the entire family’s life changes from that moment. There are moments when you give her money for drugs because you don’t know what else to do, she cannot cope with the withdrawal symptoms, there are also these moments when you feel like actually strangling them in order for them to be done with all this, there are also moments when you cannot sleep at night because you think about her suffering and that she just cannot cope with it, most often wishing to get rid of this thing but not being able to.
I’ve said it before, you cannot trust them, you raise a child and you have your dreams that, in time they will grow up and accomplish several things… You stop dreaming, there is no future plan anymore, a plan that she could still be a part of, or any other user for that matter. You cannot rely on them, it’s like a business in which you have invested everything and have lost everything. And you won’t ever get anything back.
Have you heard about the existence of the injecting rooms? What they are? If there are any in here?
From what I understand, there are some in Germany, but I don’t know if there are any here.
Again, from your experience, what kind of services would’ve helped you, would’ve helped your daughter to manage things more effectively, to get help or to be helped to get out of this and that you couldn’t have access to?
When she asked for help and got admitted to different institutions, she should’ve been given the chance to continue what she had started. Once you’re discharged, everything ends there, there’s no follow-up. To put it differently, there should be a special department in the police stations that has and provides the necessary information and tries to handle certain things and to act by knowing what the drug user’s and their family’s situation is. That’s what we’ve struggled with. There’s all put together, they’re all junkies, they’re all criminals… but it’s not the same thing, and they should be treated differently. When it comes to the Child Protection institutions, these drug users, as far as I’m concerned, these drugs appeared some years ago, more precisely twenty years ago in my case, these drug users have their own kids and these kids need to be protected. Their grandparents and families protect them but you cannot protect them from their own parents. And that’s why you need to have a, as part of the Child Protection institution, a special department whose employers are properly informed, thus being able to help. I’m talking about helping the drug users’ children, because those who suffer the most are the children and they’re just children… 4, 5, 6 -year old, I’ve seen a drug addicted with a big belly that’s going to give birth and have a child whose childhood is already ruined.
Would it be ok if I asked you how your daughter is doing currently?
After an incident that took place a month ago, me getting pricked in a syringe needle of whatever she had used, things got, I don’t even know how to put it… we had an argument, we pushed each other around a bit and I eventually asked her to leave the house. We still keep in touch, every now and them when she answers my call.
Does she stand any chance now to get into the methadone substitution program?
After being on a waiting list at Matei Bals Hospital for more than two months, from what I understand, on the tenth of the month she’ll get into the methadone substitution program, that’s a week from now.
And one last question. Do you think it would be useful, do you think there would be enough people interested in forming an organization of the drug users’ families that could advise those who have only started to deal with these problems, who don’t know what to do or where to go to?
I understand what you’re saying. If these organizations were created, somehow helped by someone who has enough information on the matter, I think they might be helpful. Instead of joining a group where I go and talk about what I live through, I think what I live at home is more than enough for me, I don’t need to talk about it with people that also go through something similar.
Maybe they’re only at the beginning and don’t know how to react or who they should talk to.
Yes, probably. I have become a bit more sensitive by talking about my problems over and over and not finding any solutions, being left with questions without an answer, I lately prefer to keep them to myself.
Do you wish to add anything else?
It’s hard, that’s the only thing… it’s just hard.
Thank you very much!